The Role of The Parent

Today's post has to do with the role of the parents during games.  As I coached several different games today, I became more aware of the sideline behavior of parents.  Even the parents with quite a bit of experience as a parent of a soccer player continue to struggle with their role in a game.  This is a topic that I'm old school about, again, so keep that in mind.

When watching a game, quite often, parents want to shout instructions to their player in order to help them play better or avoid making mistakes.  However, this often works against what we as coaches are trying to do.  As a coach, you want your players taking chances and making mistakes as this is the best way for the players to learn and become better players.  Like a parent, it can be painful for a coach to watch the player make a mistake, but it's the best thing for them.  Every situation in soccer is an opportunity for learning, especially when it comes to making mistakes.  Your natural instincts, as a parent, are to try and help your child avoid mistakes in their life when you can.  So, when I say that we as coaches want the players to make mistakes, it works counter to what the parent's natural instincts are.  This can cause conflict between the coach and the parents.  Hopefully, I can explain the coaches perspective in all of this to help parents gain a better understanding.

First and foremost, all players should receive instructions from their coaches.  Even parents that have had prior playing and coaching experience aren't fully aware of what the coach is doing or trying to accomplish with the team.  So, when the parent starts shouting instructions to their players during the game, the instructions can be counter to what the coach wants the player to be doing, which also impacts the team as the player is not doing what the rest of the team is expecting.  Coaches can't expect every player to do things exactly as they want the player to do, but if the player is trying to do what the coach asks within the framework of the team, the player's teammates are better able to compensate for a mistake as they are aware of what the player was trying to do.

Second, and this is a very difficult discussion, has to do with parents being aware of what they say during a game and how they say it.  I often hear parents not only yelling instructions, but doing so in a tone that will cause their player to feel bad about what they are doing.  While I feel parents should be able to express disappointment in something their child does, soccer is not the place for the parent to do that.  Players will often come off the field feeling bad about what they've done or a mistake that they've made because their parent expressed disappointment.  For the most part, kids don't want to disappoint their parents, so you can get into a situation where the player stops trying as a way to prevent their parent from being disappointed in them.  This not only creates friction during the game, but that friction can often carry over to the ride home or while the family is together at home.  In my view, participation in a sport should be the last thing that causes a child to feel that they have disappointed their parent.  There are far too many other more important things to worry about and focus on.  Unfortunately, in some extreme situations, soccer causes the player to develop a real tension with their parent, and this can grow and become a real problem.  In worst case scenarios, players can walk away from the game emotionally scarred.  That's an extreme case, but it can happen, and I have seen it.

Third, many parents feel that it is their right to yell instructions to their play because it is their child, after all.  We, as coaches, are assigned to coach the players during practices and games, and we should be the sole voice the players look to during a game.  This can be very difficult for some parents.  However, this is often what is best for the player.  When we had a parent meeting for the high school soccer team this year, the athletic director talked about a speaker who talked about parents "releasing" their player to the coach and program.  What is meant by that is that the parent places full trust in the coach and program, and lets their child deal with the coach, team, practices, and games.  That's not to say that there aren't times and situations where it's appropriate for the parent to be involved.  However, there have been many examples, including former players, that will tell you that when they were "released" to the coach and program, their playing experience was exceptional.  There was even one situation where the speaker talked about "releasing" kids to the sport and experience, and afterwards, players that attended the speech walked up and thanked the speaker because once their parents "released" them, the whole environment surrounding the game was much more pleasant for both the players and the parents.

Last, but certainly not least, when the parents allow the coach to be the sole source of instruction to the players, the parents are showing a level of trust and confidence in the coach.  Every coach will tell you that they make mistakes, and the really good coaches are willing to admit those mistakes to players and parents in an appropriate manner.  As coaches, we all try to get the parents to place their trust in what we're trying to do.  And, in some situations, when parents are repeatedly yelling instructions to the players on the field, the coach views that in a way that the parents don't trust the coach to do their job.  That's probably not the message parents are trying to send, but that's how it's received by the coaches in some cases.

Soccer is a sport, and is played for enjoyment.  It should not be a source of conflict or discourse in the family.  If that's the case, it may be time to re-evaluate why the child is playing the sport, and what they are trying to accomplish by playing the sport.  At the end of the day, it's about young athletes making mistakes, which help them grow both as a person and a player. 

Every Player Is Important

One of the fundamental philosophies I have as a coach is the simple fact that every player is important. Whether it’s your best player or your worst, it’s critical that every player feels important not only to you the coach, but also to their teammates. Every player brings something different to the team regardless of physical ability. Your job as a coach is to find that special talent or gift that each player brings to the team, and bring out the best in them and their talent or gift. This is not always easy, especially on teams where there is a large gap in skill level between your best and worst players. However, there are many strategies that you can use to deal with this situation.

Probably the most important thing you can do as a coach is make sure that none of the players feel like or are treated like outcasts or second class citizens. This is especially important for your non-starting players. Probably the first place that this can happen is the gap between your starters and non-starters. You, as the coach, have a responsibility to make sure that each player treats each teammate with the dignity and respect they deserve, regardless of their position or role on the team. Quite often, a coach can cause outcasts to develop on a team by coaching decisions that seem insignificant at the time.

I have seen coaches that focus too much attention on the star players or starting players, and give the rest of the team less time and effort. This is an easy trap to fall into especially in competitive situations where there is more pressure to win games. The easiest choice for a coach is to focus on the starting players knowing that they don’t have to play non-starters during a game. Generally speaking, non-starting players aren’t quite as skilled as starting players, and require more time and attention on things that starting players are more competent at. It can be difficult, as a coach, to put together practice plans that help advance all members of the team when all are not at the same skill level.

Focusing on starting or star players causes two problems. First, the star or starting players develop a mentality that they are “special”, and come to expect “special” treatment from the coach. Second, the players that are not star or starting players start to feel ignored and unimportant. If allowed to continue, this can cause a problem that festers until it becomes out of control over the season. The non-star or non-starting players feel like second class citizens, and the rest of team treats them that way. Because they are second class citizens, they get less time and attention from the coach. Over time, your star or starting players get better while the non-star or non-starting players do not. This evolves into an increasing talent gap on the team, and makes it more difficult for non-star or non-starting players to better their abilities and earn playing time.

The best way to counter this problem is to divide your players by talent, but in a different way than you might think. Most coaches will divide players by talent grouping better players together and less talented players together. What I like to do is to get a good mix of talent working together. Quite often, I will pair up my best player with my worst when they are working in groups of two. I do this on a case by case basis as each skill that you work on has a different best and worst player. I will also divide the team into groups mixing talented players with less talented players. This makes it really difficult for the players to perceive and develop a team hierarchy or ranking of players based on talent. More importantly, it helps the kids that need more work to step up their game to try to be as good as the more talented players, and it causes the more talented players learn how to have more patience and help their less talented teammates become better. This is something you always have to keep a close eye on for each and every practice and game. It’s very easy to divide the team based on talent, and takes a lot of patience and awareness to not do that.

You will always have situations where you do have to focus on the group of starting players. That situation is unavoidable. In competitive sports there will always be starters and non-starters, and that situation will never change. However, you also have to put your non-starters in a position to be successful so that they are prepared to play as well. Regardless of how you look at it, it’s a difficult situation that has to be carefully managed.

Along with focusing on how you pair players during drills, you should mix the combinations of players that you put on the field together whether it is in practice or games. Too often, I see a coach start their best players, and then substitute in the non-starters as one group. What generally happens is that there is a letdown by the team during the game. The coach’s first reaction, which is natural, is to substitute the starters back into the game to increase the level of play. For the game, this works, but over the long haul of the season, it puts the non-starters in a larger deficit from the starters each time this happens.

When the non-starters are playing with each other, they don’t get a chance to develop and improve with the starting players. It also draws a mental line between the starters and non-starters not only for the players, but also for the coaches and parents. The gap becomes more noticeable over time. What I like to do is not put all of my best players on the field at the same time. I will mix and match what would traditionally be defined as starters versus non-starters. It gives kids that are traditionally non-starters the chance to play with the starters, which means that when a non-starter makes a mistake, there is a better chance that it will not lead to a negative outcome. They get the support they need to develop their confidence and abilities without feeling like they let the team down when they came into the game.

Additionally, and even more difficult to manage, I use this strategy regardless of the importance of the game. In my view, the worst thing I can do is win a championship, and have non-starting players that have never played in the game. They all come to practice and work at their game, and they all deserve to play in every game regardless of importance. Many coaches will claim that they don’t want to risk losing an important game. I counter with the fact that a good coach has the ability to get every player on the field, and still win important games and championships. In the last five years of my coaching career, I have won the president’s cup in Oregon three times, and finished in the semi-finals once. This is a tournament for lower level competitive soccer teams, and I have been able to do this with every player playing almost half of each game. It’s not easy to do, but every player deserves to feel that they contributed to the success of the team regardless of their role on the team.

Finally, I like to find a talent that each player has on the team, and put them in a position to feel good about that talent. In soccer, there are many different aspects to the game. Some players are good with footwork and ball skills, others have tremendous power when they kick the ball, others have the ability to make a good pass every time, and still others are good at the non-technical aspects of soccer like running and fitness. It is rare that one player will be good at all of those areas, but you can be assured that across your team, you will have players that are good at different areas.

What I like to do is to recognize a player for their talent in front of the rest of the team. If I have a player that has good footwork, I will have them demonstrate a new move I am trying to teach the team. If I have a player that kicks the ball with great power, I will have them demonstrate their kicking technique. Even if I have a player that is good at fitness and can run long distances at a high rate of speed, I will have them lead the team in a conditioning session. Every player has a talent on the team. Your job as the coach is to find that talent, exploit the talent in the player, and make sure that their teammates are aware of each player’s talent. Every player should be in a position of one of their teammates to tell them “Hey, you’re really good at dribbling” as an example.

Introduction

When I look at today’s society and the world of competitive sports, I see a lot of things that cause concern. There is so much focus on winning at all costs, coaching records, and achievements. As a result many coaches take shortcuts to getting to the highest levels of the coaching profession. They focus on their record, as it is the first concrete statistic that will help them get a job at the next level. This causes a situation where they end up bending their rules and philosophy to get to the end goal. Instead of focusing on developing the kids they coach, they focus on winning. They develop different standards for their star players than the rest of the team. They want to keep the star player happy so that the star player stays on the team and attracts other star players to make the team even more successful. This mentality leads to kids that believe they deserve certain rights or privileges because they are the star player. The coach continues to give in to the star player, which gives the star player even more of a sense of entitlement.

At the end of the day, what coaching is really about gets lost in the noise. Coaching is not about that next job or your record of wins and losses. Coaching is about developing young individuals not only as good athletes, but also good people. While I coach competitive soccer, it is not my career (my career is in computer software), and therefore, my philosophies are much different than most coaches. The intention of this book is to share what I think is the real definition of coaching success.

I would be remiss if I did not give credit to the important people in my life that have been helped me continue coaching and become a better coach.

First, credit to my wife, Leslie, and my kids, Andrew and Rebecca. Throughout the years, they have made sacrifices that have allowed me to coach. I have missed their own games and practices in order to coach the teams that I am responsible for. They do it knowing that I am very passionate about coaching, and they willingly let me pursue that area of passion. For their sacrifices, I will be forever indebted.

Second, credit to all of the teams and individuals I have coached over the years. While every year and every team provides a different set of experiences for a coach, they all help to mold different aspects of your coaching philosophy. Not every coaching situation is comfortable or positive, but they all provide lessons that can be later used with other teams and players. I have been very lucky to work with some great players, teams, and families. While they didn’t always agree with the decisions I made or make as a coach, they have supported me over the years.

All of my coaching activities are related to coaching competitive youth soccer for kids between the ages of 11 and 17. While I did play soccer throughout my youth and adulthood, it was never my primary sport. I also played basketball, baseball, volleyball, and softball. Part of what molds my coaching philosophy has a lot to do with the experiences I faced as a player, both positive and negative. I have played for coaches that were both verbally and physically abusive. I’ve been on teams where we’ve only won 2 out of 20 games. I’ve been on teams where the coach only played the starting players regardless of how far our team was ahead in a game. I’ve also played for some great coaches, and played on teams that have won championships. While you learn a lot over the years as a coach, a lot of your philosophy is also molded from your experience as a player. I find that I draw on all of my past coaching and playing experiences to continuously improve my coaching abilities.